You are viewing [info]laurenlfs's journal

08 March 2009 @ 09:56 am
stranger how you call to me;  
with words of silent elegy,
your lament cracks in your throat,
moaning ever melancholy,
to softly whisper between the trees,
when you call home, call back for me.


i haven't posted in two weeks and to tell the truth it's not because i've been overly busy or anything's changed,
sure i've had a few good nights recently but i'm thinking i might have to step up my game, start sleeping better, drinking more water, eating and exercising, finish my books, get out a suntan, get a job, revise, study, play, laugh.

i want to enjoy life even more,
the thing is,
i'm not sure this fits into my plan.
you're making it very hard to be happy,
i just want someone to have a laugh with?
 
Leave a comment
 
19 February 2009 @ 11:41 pm
madama butterfly.  



i wish i was soft, and delicate, like love at your fingertips or time on your side.
i'd make you want me then leave you, with flutterby lashes and a fist full of pride.

♥
of late i am completely devoid of hatred or jealousy or pain.
there's concern. that i'm generally overweight despite having attempted to diet for a very long time. that i'm not going to do well enough in my exams. that i've been slacking. but there's a lot of hope, that i can pick everything up and work harder at my ambitions. you are one of my ambitions. losing two stone by summer is next on the list, yet probably infeasible.


but we all have to have hope of something.

 




 
 
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: subterranean homesick blues - bob dylan
 
15 comments | Leave a comment
 
08 February 2009 @ 10:19 pm
j'ai toujours trop envie de toi.  

picture yourself as an oak tree
its grain an amalgamation of lovers, people whose paths you have crossed.
remember the feel of your sap tears,
and sigh
in the ever blowing breeze.
we're going home now, all bets are off
mac turn out the lights on your way
cards on the table, chips to the floor
who even cares if i drink just one more...
they've taken me home now, my boots are off
bearded lover crawls into bed with wife
and tries not to think of children down the hall
as i lay staring through the mouldy ceiling i see myself peripherally
floating above my body, staring down at this ghost in foul smelling skin..
...as that man again,
who finds himself without his clothes from time to time
a headache of hazy proportions prevents any real explanation
to a woman who has come to expect none regardless
so i'll go out now, and try not to think of my wife three blocks away
and my children dreaming of our next weekend fishing trip
while i fuck the brains out of a faceless babe, on 57th of main.
let me remain, let me exist by your side,
and i promise the track marks will fade over time,
and we'll grow older as winter gets colder, year by year.
 
 
 
Current Location: in my happy place (:
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: lover, lover, lover- leonard cohen
 
Leave a comment
 
06 February 2009 @ 09:01 pm
from the chest;  
and backwards in silent remorse,
thinking of a chasm time overlooked,
where nothing grows, or loves, or exists
except the walls that define itself,
i remind myself how we became that chasm,
abyss, black hole, void.

converging limbs just to prove that we are
more than ever as of late, growing,
and existing,
and on our way, at least,
to loving.

:)

that's all i have to say tonight.
the snow has melted, at last.
and i'm beginning to thaw.
 
 
Current Mood: creativecreative
 
Leave a comment
 
03 February 2009 @ 09:25 pm
i love you i don't think you care;  

i'm afraid to
speak your
name, for
fear it
might
consume
me.

step back into me my love,
wear your cheeks inside out so that everyone will know.
you've been gnawing like a hamster from the inside.
anxiety will shake the ranks of an army built by fear.
where this army stands, a formation of two,
on grounds of united loneliness;
i will hold you up to the light.
i will hold you up through the fight.

i wrote about leaving for paris on the red-eye.
to a motel room overlooking the seine,
where i would draw the curtains on our past,
l'histoire oubliée.
je m'appelle haine, i grow between all in time.



in times like these, it seems, there is no such thing as forgiveness.

 
 
Current Mood: calmcalm
 
2 comments | Leave a comment
 
01 February 2009 @ 09:49 pm
weary weather.  


 
 
Current Location: deskkkk :)
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
 
Leave a comment
 
31 January 2009 @ 05:24 pm
everything's clearer after a jog in subzero temperatures. :)  

'ich liebte sie, wie wir die Menschen an unserer seite lieben lernen, weil sie unserer einzigen gefährten sind.' [A.S.Greer]
-i loved her, like we learn to love the people at our sides, because they are our only companions.
hmm. i wish this didn't feel quite so fitting at the moment.

Tags:
 
 
Current Mood: calmcalm
 
2 comments | Leave a comment
 
23 January 2009 @ 10:34 pm
pessimism vs optimism;  

 

took a day out from being busy but vacant, now i'm just home getting healed.

mum got worried enough to ask if i wanted someone 'professional' to talk to.
i hate that word; 'professional', like the only person who would readily listen to anything i have to say would be getting paid.
go figure... :)

the way i see it; like a presidency, i have 100 days to prove myself, prove i can snap out of it, and if i can't manage alone, it then i'll think about it.


but i really needed today, i feel better even after just having sat here painting my nails and watching sky+ recordings. the news about elle's half sister lauren being born this morning was also intensely cool. tomorrow if i can get my english courseworks finished i'll be going out with lillie and sunday rehearsals and out for geoff's birthday to see valkyrie and go for a meal.

:)
hmm
fingers crossed.

xo
 

 
 
Current Mood: coldcold
Current Music: broken strings - james morrison
 
2 comments | Leave a comment
 
22 January 2009 @ 09:03 pm
i know you by heart;  
despite feeling incredibly stupid about breaking down tonight,
i think it's been a good thing, in a way.
i need to stop blaming myself, and letting myself become a void.
so at least i'll try.


you get so alone at times that it just makes sense.
drying up in conversation, that's me all over again haha.
 
 
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: songbird - eva cassidy
 
Leave a comment
 
16 January 2009 @ 08:37 pm
this is my hometown;  

i often wonder what i would have been like if i had been brought up in a patriotic country, where people talk to their neighbours and aren't all suffering that awfully british condition loosely known as pride.

it's true that we're all so scared of ourselves, our opinions, our bodies, our hearts.
i've noticed that i only watch three programmes on telly now and they're all american,
and i absolutely love the fact people gush and aren't blocked emotionally by this ridiculous façade.
also being british sucks because we're not allowed to be proud of our country without being accused of BNP allegiance. ¬¬




god i need to stop eating.
i have a beer (make that shortbread) belly.
i want to get to the point where i don't recoil at the thought of somebody seeing me sans-clothing.
yeah ok, could be a while yet. :)

ok i really should revise, adiosss

x
 
 
Current Location: bed
Current Mood: curiouscurious
Current Music: bruce springsteen
 
5 comments | Leave a comment